Category Archives: Family Affairs

Rejecting the Father

I found this article on the Internet. It was written in Russian and this is quick google translate. It gives something to ponder about. Love and respect your husbands. You and the children will have a better life. A very profound and useful article to all!

At the reception: (a boy of 6 years, severe neurotic disorder): -Who do you live with?/- With mom. / – And Dad? / – We kicked him out. / – Like this? / – We divorced … he humiliates us … he’s not a man … ruined our best years …

At the reception: (a teenager of 14 years, severe migraines, fainting, illegal behavior): -Why did not you draw a dad, because you’re one family? / -It would have been better if he had not existed at all, that kind of dad … / -What do you mean? / – He ruined mother’s life, behaved like a pig … now does not work … / – And personally, how does your dad treat you? / – Well, … does not scold … / – … Is this it? / – And this is it … what else from him? / … I even make money for myself for entertainment … / – And how do you make money? / – Wave baskets … / – And who taught? / – Father … he taught me a lot, I can still catch fish … I can drive a car … a little work with wood … here in the spring the boat were repairing, we’ll go fishing with my father. / – How are you sitting in the same boat with a man who would not have been better off at all? / – … well, in general we have such … interesting relations … when the mother leaves, we are well … she does not get along with him, and I can do it with my mother and father when they are not together …

At the reception: (the girl is 6 years old, problems with communication, not attentive, nightmares, stammering, gnawing at the nails …) – Why did you draw only my mother and brother, and where is dad and you? – Well, we are in another place, so that my mother was in a good mood … “And if you are all together?” – That’s bad … – How bad is it? – … … (the girl cries) Over time: – Only you do not tell my mother that I love my father, too …

At the reception: (a boy of 8 years, severe depression and a number of other diseases): -… What about Dad? / – I do not know… I turn to my mother. / – You’re not talking about your father’s death? / – He knows, we talked about this … / (Mom cries), and he does not ask, and does not want to see photos. / When mother leaves the office, I ask the boy: “… are you interested in finding out about Dad?” / The boy comes to life and looks into my eyes for the first time. / – Yes, but you can not …  / – Why? “Mom’s crying again, do not.”

During my work with children, in my practice, I had to face the following facts:

  1. Children love their parents equally, regardless of (!!!) from the behavior shown by them. The child sees the mother and father as a whole and as an important part of himself.

  2. The child’s relationship to the father and father to the child is always formed by the mother. (A woman acts as an intermediary between the father and the child, it is she who broadcasts the child: who his father is, what he is and how he should be treated).

  3. The mother has absolute power over the child, she does with him whatever she wants, consciously or unconsciously. Such power is given to the woman by nature so that the offspring can survive without superfluous doubts. First, the mother herself is the world of the child, and later she takes the child out into the world through herself. The child learns the world through his mother, sees the world through her eyes, focuses on what is important for the mother. Mind is consciously and not consciously actively shaping the child’s perception. The mother also introduces the father of the child, she broadcasts the degree of importance of the father. If the mother does not trust her husband, the child will avoid the father.

At the reception: – My daughter is 1 year 7 months old. She runs away with a cry from her father, and when he takes her in his arms she cries and breaks away. And recently she began to say to her father: “Go away, I do not like you. You are bad”. / – And what do you really feel about your husband? / – I am very offended by him … to tears.

  1. The relationship of the father to the child is also formed by the mother. For example, if a woman does not respect a child’s father, then a man can refuse a child’s attention. Quite often the same situation is repeated: it is only for a woman to change the internal attitude to the father of the child, how he suddenly expresses the desire to see the child and participate in his upbringing. And this is even in cases when the father before that for many years ignored the child.

  2. If attention is disturbed, memory is inadequate, self-esteem is inadequate, and behavior leaves much to be desired, then the father is catastrophically missing in the child’s soul. Rejection of the father in the family often leads to the appearance of intellectual and mental delay in the development of the child.

  3. If the communicative sphere is violated, high anxiety, fears, and the child has not learned to adapt to life, and feels himself a stranger everywhere, then he cannot find his mother in his heart. 7. It is easier for children to cope with the problems of growing up if they feel that mom and dad take them whole, such as they are.

  4. A child grows healthy emotionally and physically when he is out of the zone of problems of his parents – each individually and / or them as a couple. That is, he takes his child’s place in the family system. 9. The child always “holds the flag” for the rejected parent. Therefore, he will connect with him in his soul by any means. For example, he can repeat the heavy features of fate, character, behavior, etc. Moreover, the stronger the mother does not take these features, the brighter the child’s manifestation. But as soon as the mother sincerely allows the child to look like her father, to love him openly, the child will have a choice: to connect with the father through hard or to love him directly – with the heart.

  5. The child is devoted to Mom and Dad equally strongly, he is bound by love. But when the relationship in the pair becomes heavy, the child is deeply involved in the heavy things that hurt his parents by the power of his devotion and love. He takes on so much that in fact greatly alleviates the mental suffering of one or both parents at once. For example, a child can become psychologically equal to parents: a friend, a partner. And even a psychotherapist. And can rise even higher, replacing them psychologically with their parents. Such a burden is unbearable for the child’s physical or mental health. After all, in the end, he remains without his support – without his parents.

  6. When mother does not like, does not trust, does not respect or is simply offended by the father of the child, then looking at the child and seeing in him many manifestations of the father, consciously or unconsciously gives the child to understand that his “male part” is bad. She as though speaks: “It is not pleasant to me. You’re not my child, if you’re like your father. ” And because of the love for the mother, or rather because of a deep desire to survive in this family system, the child still refuses the father, and hence from the male in himself.

For such a refusal, the child pays a very expensive price. In the soul of this betrayal, he will never forgive himself. And be sure to punish himself for this broken fate, bad health, unsuccessful life. After all, living with this guilt is unbearable, even if it is not always realized. But this is the price of his survival. To feel about what is happening in the child’s soul, try closing your eyes and presenting the two people closest to you for whom you can give your life without hesitation.

And now you all three, firmly holding hands, were in the mountains. But the mountain on which you stood unexpectedly collapsed. And it turned out that you miraculously stayed on the rock, and your two most precious people hung over the precipice, holding your hands. The forces are coming to an end and you understand that you cannot pull out two. You can save only one person. Whom will you choose? At this point, moms usually say: “No, it’s better to die together. It’s terrible! “Indeed, it would be easier, but the living conditions are such that the child has to make an impossible choice. And he does it. More often in the direction of mom.

But nature is wise – the theme of anger at mother in the childhood is tabulated rigidly. This is justified, because Mom not only gives life, she also supports it. After abandoning a father, Mom remains the only person who can support in life. Therefore, expressing your anger, you can cut off the branch on which you sit. And then this anger turns to itself (autoaggression).

Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash


The Authority of Parents

God is a strong supporter of parental honor, respect, and words. This is another area that is important to heed if we hope to gain victory over our enemy. If we fail to obey God in this area, our prayers will go unanswered. Before God answers our prayers, He will point to this area and many others. Observing this authority will heal parents, children, marriages, and churches. We can’t come to the Father unless we obey Him in the relationship He created for fathers and sons, mothers and daughters. It is time we pick up the wreckage we have created as parents and children and heal so our prayers are answered. Children need to come into this authority from one side and parents from the other. I’ll share a passage from an apocryphal book that I chose, because it emphasizes the Holy Bible’s standing on the respect, honor, and obedience of children toward their parents:

Children, pay heed to a father’s right; do so that you may live. For the LORD sets a father in honor over his children; a mother’s authority he confirms over her sons. He who honors his father atones for sins; he stores up riches who reveres his mother. He who honors his father is gladdened by children, and when he prays he is heard. He who reveres his father will live a long life; he obeys the LORD who brings comfort to his mother. He who fears the LORD honors his father, and serves his parents as rulers. In word and deed honor your father that his blessing may come upon you; For a father’s blessing gives a family firm roots, but a mother’s curse uproots the growing plant. Glory not in your father’s shame, for his shame is no glory to you! His father’s honor is a man’s glory; disgrace for her children, a mother’s shame. My son, take care of your father when he is old; grieve him not as long as he lives. Even if his mind fail, be considered with him; revile him not in the fullness of your strength. For kindness to a father will not be forgotten, it will serve as a sin offering—it will take lasting root. In time of tribulation it will be recalled to your advantage, like warmth upon frost it will melt away your sins. A blasphemer is he who despises his father; accursed of his Creator, he who angers his mother. (Sirach 3:1–16, NAB)

Copyright © 2018 Natalya Vazemiller  This is excerpt from book She Divides the Spoil

Photo by John Mark Smith on Unsplash.

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